Greg writes:
Dear Doctor Manly,
I have been buried alive by a grizzly bear, she should be back shortly – should I eat the jerky stashed in my pocket now or wait till after I have stopped the bleeding from out my spinal area? Thanks!
Greg
Greg,
The fact that you are manly enough to stop dying long enough to write me, tells me a lot about the kind of man-beast you are! It also tells me that you’re smart enough to know a good life coach when you see one (you have exquisite taste my friend)!
In a situation like this, I have to go jerky first Greg. It will help take your mind off the mess long enough to chew it into a nice meat-paste which you can use to plug the wound…plus…if it doesn’t work…at least you’ll have a snack for later!
That leaves the bear and the fact that you were obviously distracted enough by something so utterly amazing that you allowed her to bury you. First…wiggle Greg…wiggle! Loosen up the dirt around you even more than it probably already is. This shouldn’t be hard as we all know that bears rarely pack and tamp down the dirt around their buried prey. Use your teeth or perhaps the hollow of your open wound to scoop that dirt out of your way.
Once free…wait…you wait for that she-beast to return and you teach that she-bear a lesson she’ll remember for the rest of her hairy life. Don’t kill her though…we want her to have to live with the knowledge that her failure to blindside a Manly man failed miserably! We want that bear to wake up every morning with her tears forming a sauce of shame that will permeate her fur! We want that shame-scent to inform all the other animals who encounter her in the forest that she made a poor life-choice and that poor life-choice’s name…is Greg!
Lastly…walk………you walk your macho ass to the nearest Walgreens with your head held HIGH and you get yourself some Bactine. One little squirt should fix you right up!
Let me know how things work out for you my friend!
-Manly
