Women… learn to work the toilet seat! You’re a big girl now! If it’s up… (gasp) put it down! We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down do you!? True equality involves touching the toilet seat ladies! So quit yer bitchin’ and make it happen!
Call your mom and/or dad…be with family and/or friends…take a walk with your kids and LISTEN to them without judgement…grill a steak or two…help an old lady cross the street…smile at a stranger…all baby steps to being more Manly!!
Doctor Manly’s sage advice for today:
Buy a plunger…before you NEED a plunger!!
You’re welcome!
Hey lady who just barreled past my wife shoving her out of your way! Yeah, you with your perfect business suit and perfect hair and “augmented” boo…I mean… looks. Learn some damn manners! Because…
eventually you’re going to get old, fat and ugly!
How much of a shit-filled life are you going to have when you can no longer get what you want because you’re “hot”?! I don’t even feel sorry for you because you reap what you freaking sow. So stop being such an bitch!
Looks are fleeting,
but,
asshole is forever!
You are the epitome of how the entitled youth of yesterday become the assholes of today (see my article: Entitled Teen Asshat)!
Take a look into Dr. Manly’s Magic Mirror and you will see a reflection of your truly rotten, ugly soul looking back at you. Basically, the same thing that others do when they have to deal with you. Part of what makes a person “hot” is their positive attitude and great personality (both of which you’re sorely lacking). What a piece of………work!
Something to remember:
When your bullshit affects those around you in a negative way…that’s NOT okay!
Be a man…keep your shit to yourself… then go to the gym or the pool or the dojo and work your frustrations out.
Need to talk? Talk to your wife (she’ll LOVE the fact that you’re acting more like her and getting in touch with your girl-feelings), talk to a buddy (but be ready to get smacked where your nuts should be), write me here or shut up! Man UP!
-Manly
Quick, simple and to the point:
Try thinking of someone other than yourself for a bit you narcissist!
Open your eyes and look around and SEE…truly see what’s going on around you. You might be surprised what you’ll learn!
So… shut up and spend more time listening. You’re not as important as you think so shut the hell up and listen every now and then!
-Manly
Jay writes in:
Dear Doctor Manly,
I’ve been trying to talk my girlfriend into having sex in the shower. She doesn’t seem interested. Any advice?
Manlyly yours,
Jay
Jay,
My advice to you is to listen to your lady.
Sex in the shower is more overrated than most men think. It tends to involve a lot of slipping, fumbling and even a bloody nose or two.
Movies make sex in wet places like the pool and the shower seem fun and exotic, but that kind of wet doesn’t help anybody (if you catch my drift). Besides…is the risk of a broken hip worth the effort? Or, more importantly, since we’re MEN and the answer to that is most likely YES… is the risk of having to explain that broken hip to family, friends and coworkers worth the risk?
I would stick to sex in normal places like the bedroom or the roof of your neighbor’s house. Or, better yet, ask your lady friend what SHE would like to try. But BEWARE! Lady-fantasies typically involve you fixing or cleaning something first to set the mood.
Let me know how things work out for you my Manly friend!
-Manly
Some quick advice for how to be a Manly man! Please know that this list is no where NEAR complete:
1) Be honest. …
Stop lying to others and more importantly… YOURSELF. Most times other people can see this lack of introspection in a person…and it’s freaking GROSS.
2) Take responsibility for your actions.
Screw up? Claim it…learn from it…and move ON! Do something awesome? Be humble, but CLAIM it! It’s all you baby!!
3) Stand up for what you believe in.
But not blindly without having looked at all sides. NOBODY likes a crazy person! This is how change happens, so don’t be a meek little sheep quietly grazing… be the wolf and howl!
4) Be yourself! Be who you are with apologies to NO ONE!
Fat, skinny, straight, gay, transgender, introvert, extrovert… WHAT EVER. If people don’t like you for YOU? GREAT! It weeds the friendship/relationship lawn and keeps it healthy and strong!
Now…spread the word…Manly’s here! Write me your questions and I’ll show you how a man’d do it!
-Manly
Bacon…the most magnificent man-food ever! Nothing says “Manly” like bacon. I think you’d agree that if bacon was illegal, we would ALL be felons sporting bacon-tear tattoos under our eyes.
Kudos to the first crazy bastard who had the brilliant idea to kill and eat that odd portly creature, wallowing in mud and its own shit, to see how it tasted salted and cooked! What a MAN!!
The word bacon derives from the Old High German (High German!?…what was his name and what was he smoking?) word “bacho” meaning “buttock”…which derived from the Proto-Germanic “backoz”…meaning “back”…duh. Then the French got their hands on it in the 14th century and called it “bacun” (back meat). It finally made its journey into Middle English as “bacoun” which actually referred to ALL cured pork.
The USDA defines bacon as cured belly of swine carcass. Mmmmmmmmmmm swine carcass!
“But, Doctor Manly,” you ask, “what does life coaching have to do with bacon?”
I’ll tell you my hairy friends!
We all know that bacon just may be the key to happiness; and a happy man, equals better life-decisions! But, it is my opinion, that if you can’t make it…you don’t deserve to eat it!
This is bacon the way your dad made it and his dad before him all the way back to that crazy bastard eyeballing the first swine that ended up gracing his frying pan!
Manly men cook bacon on the stove, in a frying pan, in its own grease…shirtless. Or, if you’re a true Spartan Warrior… naked!
Let’s get this bacon COOKING! Here’s what you’ll need:
1) A heat source. This can be your stove, a campfire that you made by hand or the heat from the glare of your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend (I don’t judge…real men don’t!) after discovering you used their best wooden spoons to rub together to MAKE that campfire.
2) Your fingers. Or if you’re not quite as manly as I…a set of tongs to flip your bacon.
3) A large flat frying pan. If you’re a man…you have one…and it’s most likely cast-iron and could be used in the same manner as a war hammer in a pinch.
4) The ambrosia that is BACON!
DON’T preheat your frying pan! This isn’t your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend (again…I don’t judge!) requiring 20 minutes of foreplay (usually in the form of snuggling and talking) just to get them hot! For once we don’t WANT it hot before we add our sweet, sweet bacon-love to the pan!
Also… set your bacon out for a few minutes before you start. Allow that fat to reach a more natural state. NO cold bacon on high heat!
Lay your bacon in a room-temperature pan so that they don’t overlap. Overlapping bacon will cook unevenly.
Fill that pan! Too few slices and there won’t be enough grease to keep it from burning and that would be a travesty!
WE DON’T WASTE BACON!
Place your pan over medium heat. Allow the bacon to gradually take on that heat. This also helps it to cook more evenly and helps avoid scorching.
Once it starts to sizzle…
you’re makin’ bacon baby!
Don’t flip it too much! Bacon isn’t a Cirque Du Soleil acrobat. ONCE is enough…just like a good steak…usually around the 10 minute mark! From here…cook it to the crispiness you desire then transfer it onto a few paper towels to soak up the extra grease. Or perhaps use that extra grease to dab behind your ears to attract the perfect mate! Because the perfect mate…loves bacon. Anyone else will give you offspring that can’t grow chest or facial hair (or so I’ve heard).
Enjoy your bacon like MAN!
And remember… turkey bacon is NOT bacon!
-Manly
Greg writes:
Dear Doctor Manly,
I have been buried alive by a grizzly bear, she should be back shortly – should I eat the jerky stashed in my pocket now or wait till after I have stopped the bleeding from out my spinal area? Thanks!
Greg
Greg,
The fact that you are manly enough to stop dying long enough to write me, tells me a lot about the kind of man-beast you are! It also tells me that you’re smart enough to know a good life coach when you see one (you have exquisite taste my friend)!
In a situation like this, I have to go jerky first Greg. It will help take your mind off the mess long enough to chew it into a nice meat-paste which you can use to plug the wound…plus…if it doesn’t work…at least you’ll have a snack for later!
That leaves the bear and the fact that you were obviously distracted enough by something so utterly amazing that you allowed her to bury you. First…wiggle Greg…wiggle! Loosen up the dirt around you even more than it probably already is. This shouldn’t be hard as we all know that bears rarely pack and tamp down the dirt around their buried prey. Use your teeth or perhaps the hollow of your open wound to scoop that dirt out of your way.
Once free…wait…you wait for that she-beast to return and you teach that she-bear a lesson she’ll remember for the rest of her hairy life. Don’t kill her though…we want her to have to live with the knowledge that her failure to blindside a Manly man failed miserably! We want that bear to wake up every morning with her tears forming a sauce of shame that will permeate her fur! We want that shame-scent to inform all the other animals who encounter her in the forest that she made a poor life-choice and that poor life-choice’s name…is Greg!
Lastly…walk………you walk your macho ass to the nearest Walgreens with your head held HIGH and you get yourself some Bactine. One little squirt should fix you right up!
Let me know how things work out for you my friend!
-Manly
