Manly Advice

Liz

Liz,

First off, Liz…What’s the rush?

If you both shared a single-bathroom apartment-space, I would wholeheartedly support your anal obsession with your husband’s bowel movements. If not…keep your nose in your own business!

Here is a truth as cold and hard as a dehydrated bear shitting in the woods in the middle of January; Men love to poop! A good poop is relaxing and helps bring comfort back to our “skinny jeans”! Our commode is like an awesome man-cave where we can escape the rigors of a Manly life and relax. A place where mind, body and spirit become “one” (or should I say number two) with the universe. Our very own “fortress of solid-duce” where we can expel the toxic waste of a stressful day in unchallenged privacy, contemplate life and philosophy, and put life back into perspective; Crappy job? Not as crappy as a dry painful poop! Win the lottery? Get ready for the best poop of your life because you were probably surprised as shit! Something just seem off about your day, but you can’t quite put your finger in it? Probably because you haven’t POOPED yet!! Excretion is the measuring stick against which we measure how good our day was or is going to be!

To you, Liz, I say…be grateful! Be grateful that your husband isn’t like the skipper caterpillar who can shoot it’s poop a distance of up to six feet…because, as men, we WOULD try to “shoot for two” with number two and try to beat that distance! Imagine the mess! Be grateful that your better half isn’t comparable to the majestic goose that craps every 12 minutes…he’d NEVER leave the bathroom! Or, conversely, be grateful that he isn’t akin to a sloth (I know…this is debatable) who only poop about once a week! Talk about someone who is literally full of shit!

And, Liz…rather than imagining your magnificent masculine mate making Mississippi mud… and visualizing that because of his abundant rump hair he must spend additional time cleaning up because you envision this very natural daily hibernation ritual to end with his cleaning the equivalent of peanut butter out of shag carpet… visualize instead a partner who spends said time trying to get closer to you. Closer to what it means to be a woman… to understand the nuances and complexities that make us different… by doing the closest thing that he will ever come… to child birth.

So celebrate your “YOU “ time and let that man…be a man. You’ll thank me for it!

-Manly

-Manly

-Manly

B

…sounds to me like someone got themselves a smidgen of saliva and/or other bodily discharge in their mashed pa-taters recently!

Wow! Cell phone etiquette! Where do I begin!? On one hand, what a great tool to help keep the world connected. On the other… HANG UP YOUR GODDAMNED PHONE YOU INCONSIDERATE BASTARDS!

The rules that guide my life are pretty damned simple…if it doesn’t affect others in a negative way…GO FOR IT. If it DOES…stop that shit right NOW!

Cell phone etiquette falls cleanly into this little box of social behavior as well. The problem is that most people are so transfixed with their little zombie-maker tech, that they often overlook completely the fact that they are being assholes!

So…here are some guidelines you can forward to all the crap-holes in your life who have no clue about how to politely use their cell phones when others are around. Oh…and if you’re that guy who says…(in a shitty, whiney voice) “But Doctor Manly, I don’t know anyone who personifies such assfoolery!”…understand this…if you don’t know anyone who is rude on their cell phone, then it’s YOU dummy!

Doctor Manly’s Guide To Proper Cell Phone Protocol.

1) Rule number one…don’t be a douche bag! If others are with you… give them your undivided attention! Let’s make sure we’re wearing our big boy or big girl underwear and NOT succumb to our childish “want” to text or answer calls while actually talking to a real live person (gasp)! It doesn’t make you look like a busy/popular/important person; it makes you look like a needy little child who needs affirmation from any source available. Nobody wants to be a captive audience to your “important” conversation; forcing them to sit in silence while they listen to your douchebaggery; or watch in silent horror while you text someone who, they now feel, you think is more important than them. It weakens you and makes you look like an asshole!

2) Stop yelling! If you’re one of those assboils who need everyone to hear how “awesome” you are by talking loudly…you SUCK! Many people tend to talk louder over a cellphone than they do in a face to face conversation. It’s RIGHT BY YOUR MOUTH!! Be mindful of your volume and stop that crap right now!

3) For the LOVE OF GOD, stop ignoring “universal quiet zones”! You know…places that make perfect, logical SENSE that you should NOT….ANSWER….YOUR….PHONE!! For the thicker-skulled of you reading this…this includes but is NOT limited to: church, the theater, the library, your child’s dance or piano recital…..FUNERALS! Remember what I wrote earlier…if it affects others in a negative way…STOP THAT SHIT NOW!!

4) Don’t make wait-staff wait! I was appalled to read a sign that read, “please finish all calls before ordering” at my local fast food dive! Are people really that ill-mannered and brain dead? APPARENTLY! Guys and gals…whether you’re next in line or it’s time to order at your table…give your server your attention! Holy crappola what a no-brainer! Making a server wait for you to finish your personal phone call is a sure-fire way to end up with creepy “extras” in your meal. Making those behind you in line wait for the same reason is a step closer to getting an ass-whoopin’! If a call is important, step away from the line or get up from the table…dummy!

5) Don’t argue on the phone in public. It just makes you look like a Neanderthal!

6) Filter your filthy language asschunk! I don’t need to explain to my kids what that shit means! Let them have a childhood for Christ’s sake and keep it under wraps! Here’s a little hint for those of you a little too stupid to completely understand this concept…if you wouldn’t wear it printed on a shirt to work in front of your boss or clients…don’t say it in public!

7) Respect the personal space of others around you. You are being an annoying little dipshit if you have a phone conversation less than 10 feet from me. You don’t know if I’m a serial killer looking for a reason…so don’t give me one!

8) DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE!! No message is that important…EVER! If you are too dumb to realize this…don’t worry because natural selection should kick in eventually bringing balance back to the universe. The con is that you may take others, who are more deserving of your spot in the line of life, with you!

Bottom line…don’t be an ass! Let that cool little feature that comes with your fun little piece of technology, called voicemail, do its job every now and then! Follow my rules and who knows…others may soon follow your shining example!

Now excuse me…I have to take a call!

-Manly

Manlyly yours,

Jay

Jay,

My advice to you is to listen to your lady.

Sex in the shower is more overrated than most men think. It tends to involve a lot of slipping, fumbling and even a bloody nose or two.

Movies make sex in wet places like the pool and the shower seem fun and exotic, but that kind of wet doesn’t help anybody (if you catch my drift). Besides…is the risk of a broken hip worth the effort? Or, more importantly, since we’re MEN and the answer to that is most likely YES… is the risk of having to explain that broken hip to family, friends and coworkers worth the risk?

I would stick to sex in normal places like the bedroom or the roof of your neighbor’s house. Or, better yet, ask your lady friend what SHE would like to try. But BEWARE! Lady-fantasies typically involve you fixing or cleaning something first to set the mood.

Let me know how things work out for you my Manly friend!

-Manly

Greg,

The fact that you are manly enough to stop dying long enough to write me, tells me a lot about the kind of man-beast you are! It also tells me that you’re smart enough to know a good life coach when you see one (you have exquisite taste my friend)!

In a situation like this, I have to go jerky first Greg. It will help take your mind off the mess long enough to chew it into a nice meat-paste which you can use to plug the wound…plus…if it doesn’t work…at least you’ll have a snack for later!

That leaves the bear and the fact that you were obviously distracted enough by something so utterly amazing that you allowed her to bury you. First…wiggle Greg…wiggle! Loosen up the dirt around you even more than it probably already is. This shouldn’t be hard as we all know that bears rarely pack and tamp down the dirt around their buried prey. Use your teeth or perhaps the hollow of your open wound to scoop that dirt out of your way.

Once free…wait…you wait for that she-beast to return and you teach that she-bear a lesson she’ll remember for the rest of her hairy life. Don’t kill her though…we want her to have to live with the knowledge that her failure to blindside a Manly man failed miserably! We want that bear to wake up every morning with her tears forming a sauce of shame that will permeate her fur! We want that shame-scent to inform all the other animals who encounter her in the forest that she made a poor life-choice and that poor life-choice’s name…is Greg!

Lastly…walk………you walk your macho ass to the nearest Walgreens with your head held HIGH and you get yourself some Bactine. One little squirt should fix you right up!

Let me know how things work out for you my friend!

-Manly