I think it’s time for a Manly lesson on how to properly shake hands.
I’m a man! I’m a man who’s tired of being made to feel like I’m courting a lovely lass by the wimpy shakers out there and conversely tired of being made to feel like said lovely lass by the overpowering he-man shakers of the world!
Time to learn how to do it correctly gentlemen, so take note and pass this along to someone you think might benefit.
Doctor Manly’s Guide To Shaking Hands For The First Time
#1…Eye contact!
Don’t blush demurely like an old Southern Belle meeting the husband her family arranged for her to marry for the first time. Look ‘em in the eye! Show your confidence without feeling the need to thump your chest like a silverback gorilla having your virility called into question.
#2…Say something!
Introduce yourself. SOMETHING! Shaking hands should be a part of an introduction, not a replacement for your voice! Grabbing somebody’s hand without saying anything is creepy and makes you look stupid!
#3…Keep it short!
Give ‘em the ol’ up/down 2 or 3 times then STOP! Make it brief and to the point. We’re not holding hands! A handshake that goes on too long feels akin to a hug that lasts too long…creeeeeeeeeepy!
#4…Shake from your elbow!
Leave them where they are and shake from your elbow. Don’t pull them closer like you’re their bestie for a chest bump or a hug. This isn’t judo! Nobody needs to feel like you’re about to take them down to the mat for the tap out!
#5…NO WIMPY HANDSHAKES!
Give ‘em some pressure. Nobody likes the feel of a slug-like handshake! Your hand shouldn’t just lie there like a hooker resolved to the fate of yet another John. And DON’T turn your damned hand at the last second like you want me to give it a kiss! This isn’t a cotillion! I’m not your knight in shining armor come to take you away! Put a little firmness into it! Return their grip; unless they have a small penis and need to prove their manliness by attempting to break your hand…which we’ll get to next.
#6…No: “I-have-a-small-penis”, vice-like handshakes!
You are NOT a freaking monkey trying to establish dominance. You are being judged by your handshake. Shaking like a bulldog with its favorite squeaky toy in its mouth will have you judged a douchebag! Don’t be an asshole! Asshole!
#7…One hand! Not two
You don’t know me! We are not friends (yet). A two-handed handshake is like a fake promise from a politician. It says we’re “buds”, and we are not!
#8…Again…Don’t be an asshole!
If the person you are shaking hands with has sweaty palms, resist the urge to wipe your hands after shaking. If the person is missing digits due to an accident or birth defect, keep that surprised, “what the hell is in my hand” look off your dumb face! If they have no right hand…shake their left, Dummy! And, again, keep that “holy shit what happened to your right hand” expression off your face.
Remember…shaking hands is a wonderful way to spread germs so think of it as Western Society’s way of keeping our people strong and more resistant to microorganisms by keeping the immune system working full time! But, still… keep your hands away from your face until you can wash your hands, Idiot.
There…you now possess the tools necessary to go out and not make an ass of yourself when meeting new people! Pass along the info… especially to the weapons-grade sphincter machine who does it ALL WRONG!
You’re welcome!
-Manly
