Something to remember:
When your bullshit affects those around you in a negative way…that’s NOT okay!
Be a man…keep your shit to yourself… then go to the gym or the pool or the dojo and work your frustrations out.
Need to talk? Talk to your wife (she’ll LOVE the fact that you’re acting more like her and getting in touch with your girl-feelings), talk to a buddy (but be ready to get smacked where your nuts should be), write me here or shut up! Man UP!
-Manly
Quick, simple and to the point:
Try thinking of someone other than yourself for a bit you narcissist!
Open your eyes and look around and SEE…truly see what’s going on around you. You might be surprised what you’ll learn!
So… shut up and spend more time listening. You’re not as important as you think so shut the hell up and listen every now and then!
-Manly
Some quick advice for how to be a Manly man! Please know that this list is no where NEAR complete:
1) Be honest. …
Stop lying to others and more importantly… YOURSELF. Most times other people can see this lack of introspection in a person…and it’s freaking GROSS.
2) Take responsibility for your actions.
Screw up? Claim it…learn from it…and move ON! Do something awesome? Be humble, but CLAIM it! It’s all you baby!!
3) Stand up for what you believe in.
But not blindly without having looked at all sides. NOBODY likes a crazy person! This is how change happens, so don’t be a meek little sheep quietly grazing… be the wolf and howl!
4) Be yourself! Be who you are with apologies to NO ONE!
Fat, skinny, straight, gay, transgender, introvert, extrovert… WHAT EVER. If people don’t like you for YOU? GREAT! It weeds the friendship/relationship lawn and keeps it healthy and strong!
Now…spread the word…Manly’s here! Write me your questions and I’ll show you how a man’d do it!
-Manly
Bacon…the most magnificent man-food ever! Nothing says “Manly” like bacon. I think you’d agree that if bacon was illegal, we would ALL be felons sporting bacon-tear tattoos under our eyes.
Kudos to the first crazy bastard who had the brilliant idea to kill and eat that odd portly creature, wallowing in mud and its own shit, to see how it tasted salted and cooked! What a MAN!!
The word bacon derives from the Old High German (High German!?…what was his name and what was he smoking?) word “bacho” meaning “buttock”…which derived from the Proto-Germanic “backoz”…meaning “back”…duh. Then the French got their hands on it in the 14th century and called it “bacun” (back meat). It finally made its journey into Middle English as “bacoun” which actually referred to ALL cured pork.
The USDA defines bacon as cured belly of swine carcass. Mmmmmmmmmmm swine carcass!
“But, Doctor Manly,” you ask, “what does life coaching have to do with bacon?”
I’ll tell you my hairy friends!
We all know that bacon just may be the key to happiness; and a happy man, equals better life-decisions! But, it is my opinion, that if you can’t make it…you don’t deserve to eat it!
This is bacon the way your dad made it and his dad before him all the way back to that crazy bastard eyeballing the first swine that ended up gracing his frying pan!
Manly men cook bacon on the stove, in a frying pan, in its own grease…shirtless. Or, if you’re a true Spartan Warrior… naked!
Let’s get this bacon COOKING! Here’s what you’ll need:
1) A heat source. This can be your stove, a campfire that you made by hand or the heat from the glare of your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend (I don’t judge…real men don’t!) after discovering you used their best wooden spoons to rub together to MAKE that campfire.
2) Your fingers. Or if you’re not quite as manly as I…a set of tongs to flip your bacon.
3) A large flat frying pan. If you’re a man…you have one…and it’s most likely cast-iron and could be used in the same manner as a war hammer in a pinch.
4) The ambrosia that is BACON!
DON’T preheat your frying pan! This isn’t your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend (again…I don’t judge!) requiring 20 minutes of foreplay (usually in the form of snuggling and talking) just to get them hot! For once we don’t WANT it hot before we add our sweet, sweet bacon-love to the pan!
Also… set your bacon out for a few minutes before you start. Allow that fat to reach a more natural state. NO cold bacon on high heat!
Lay your bacon in a room-temperature pan so that they don’t overlap. Overlapping bacon will cook unevenly.
Fill that pan! Too few slices and there won’t be enough grease to keep it from burning and that would be a travesty!
WE DON’T WASTE BACON!
Place your pan over medium heat. Allow the bacon to gradually take on that heat. This also helps it to cook more evenly and helps avoid scorching.
Once it starts to sizzle…
you’re makin’ bacon baby!
Don’t flip it too much! Bacon isn’t a Cirque Du Soleil acrobat. ONCE is enough…just like a good steak…usually around the 10 minute mark! From here…cook it to the crispiness you desire then transfer it onto a few paper towels to soak up the extra grease. Or perhaps use that extra grease to dab behind your ears to attract the perfect mate! Because the perfect mate…loves bacon. Anyone else will give you offspring that can’t grow chest or facial hair (or so I’ve heard).
Enjoy your bacon like MAN!
And remember… turkey bacon is NOT bacon!
-Manly
Let me just start today’s rant by reminding all you crappy, life-sucking takers that you are NOT “entitled”…
…you must EARN!
Heard today spewing from a scarcely post-pubescent teen’s mouth:
“My job sucks because my crappy boss doesn’t pay me what I’m worth! I do as little as possible at work for such shitty pay!”
Guess what shithead? You’re fresh out of high school, still living with mommy and daddy and have zero skills. You’re not WORTH more than that yet!
So stop crying you big baby! Work your ass off and show that you’re worth giving a shit about! Be the best at your job, then go and negotiate a better wage!
You don’t care?
Guess what?
They won’t care about you either! Good luck trying to use your “suck-ass” job as a stepping stone to a better one! I’m sure they’ll be happy to give you a good recommendation based of your substandard performance!
I prescribe a strong, swift kick in the head for you, you lazy whiner! Move aside and let someone who gives a shit give your crappy job a go! And remember…it’s only crappy because YOU decided it is!
Hi…I’m Doctor Manly…life coach.
Let me start by saying that I am NOT a doctor. This should become more and more apparent to you the more you read this blog. If it doesn’t…you are probably someone who will benefit from reading what I have to say. My parents wanted me to be a doctor and felt that by naming me thusly, fate might step in and create their reality around it. Sorry Mom and Dad! So first name: Doctor. Last name: Manly.
That said…
I’m not a man of many words (real men aren’t), but I will be using this space to give advice to all the touchy-feely, new-age pussified men out there who I believe will benefit from a good dose of one of the following:
Shut up!
Stop crying (you big baby)!
Don’t be stupid!
Don’t make me come over there!
Get over it you pansy!
So…what makes ME, Doctor Manly, qualified to spread the seed of my Manly wisdom to the masses like a sailor on leave? Well…I believe my biggest qualification is the fact that when I look down, I see that I actually HAVE A PAIR! Couple that with my virile powers of observation and I become an absolute powerhouse of council!
Just know…
I tend to spout advice and wisdom like I like my sex; quick and straight to the point with no fancy trappings and NO CRYING afterwards! Take it like a MAN and stop your whining!
The advice, I mean…
not sex…
I’m no longer talking about sex!
