Doctor Manly: Life Coach

Grow A Pair!

By Doctor Manly • December 28, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Thoughts

I think that people misconstrue my blog sometimes. When they read the heading, Doctor Manly, they assume that I am a grunting, crotch-scratching, mouth-breather who is anti-women and anti-gay. Although I AM perhaps a grunting, scratching mouth-breather… I think it important to let everyone know that I truly believe a true Manly man (be they man or WO-man) is gentle, kind, tolerant and loving…. until it’s time to NOT be gentle, kind, tolerant and loving! I know I can be gruff and acerbic, but I truly think that those of you with a brain in your head will see the underlying message in each nugget-o-“wisdom” that I spout.

The essence of a truly Manly man is being the best version of yourself that you can possibly be.

And FYI…you don’t need a pair to be considered Manly here! I know more women who are “present” and “get” this thing called life a lot better than men do!

So, GROW A PAIR…be they testicles or ovaries. Because it takes a true Manly ‘man to do what’s right, take the path less traveled and “become the change you wish to see in the world”.

Dealing with his crap!

By Doctor Manly • November 18, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Advice

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As I sit here on my most manly of thrones multitasking by not only writing this, but dropping the most excellent of deuces…I received the following email. I think you’ll all agree that I really know my shit! Enjoy!

Liz writes:

Dear Doctor Manly,

Holy CRAP can my husband poo! He seriously takes forever in the bathroom! What the hell!?

Liz

Liz,

First off, Liz…What’s the rush?

If you both shared a single-bathroom apartment-space, I would wholeheartedly support your anal obsession with your husband’s bowel movements. If not…keep your nose in your own business!

Here is a truth as cold and hard as a dehydrated bear shitting in the woods in the middle of January; Men love to poop! A good poop is relaxing and helps bring comfort back to our “skinny jeans”! Our commode is like an awesome man-cave where we can escape the rigors of a Manly life and relax. A place where mind, body and spirit become “one” (or should I say number two) with the universe. Our very own “fortress of solid-duce” where we can expel the toxic waste of a stressful day in unchallenged privacy, contemplate life and philosophy, and put life back into perspective; Crappy job? Not as crappy as a dry painful poop! Win the lottery? Get ready for the best poop of your life because you were probably surprised as shit! Something just seem off about your day, but you can’t quite put your finger in it? Probably because you haven’t POOPED yet!! Excretion is the measuring stick against which we measure how good our day was or is going to be!

To you, Liz, I say…be grateful! Be grateful that your husband isn’t like the skipper caterpillar who can shoot it’s poop a distance of up to six feet…because, as men, we WOULD try to “shoot for two” with number two and try to beat that distance! Imagine the mess! Be grateful that your better half isn’t comparable to the majestic goose that craps every 12 minutes…he’d NEVER leave the bathroom! Or, conversely, be grateful that he isn’t akin to a sloth (I know…this is debatable) who only poop about once a week! Talk about someone who is literally full of shit!

And, Liz…rather than imagining your magnificent masculine mate making Mississippi mud… and visualizing that because of his abundant rump hair he must spend additional time cleaning up because you envision this very natural daily hibernation ritual to end with his cleaning the equivalent of peanut butter out of shag carpet… visualize instead a partner who spends said time trying to get closer to you. Closer to what it means to be a woman… to understand the nuances and complexities that make us different… by doing the closest thing that he will ever come… to child birth.

So celebrate your “YOU “ time and let that man…be a man. You’ll thank me for it!

-Manly

Bloglovin

By Doctor Manly • November 16, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Thoughts

What’s up my Manly peeps!? You can now track my shenanigans at Bloglovin! I know…sounds like a character in Super Bad! Check me out by clicking the Boglovin’ button under my handsome picture!

Man-shake!

By Doctor Manly • November 15, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Thoughts

I think it’s time for a Manly lesson on how to properly shake hands.

I’m a man! I’m a man who’s tired of being made to feel like I’m courting a lovely lass by the wimpy shakers out there and conversely tired of being made to feel like said lovely lass by the overpowering he-man shakers of the world!

Time to learn how to do it correctly gentlemen, so take note and pass this along to someone you think might benefit.

Doctor Manly’s Guide To Shaking Hands For The First Time

#1…Eye contact!
Don’t blush demurely like an old Southern Belle meeting the husband her family arranged for her to marry for the first time. Look ‘em in the eye! Show your confidence without feeling the need to thump your chest like a silverback gorilla having your virility called into question.

#2…Say something!
Introduce yourself. SOMETHING! Shaking hands should be a part of an introduction, not a replacement for your voice! Grabbing somebody’s hand without saying anything is creepy and makes you look stupid!

#3…Keep it short!
Give ‘em the ol’ up/down 2 or 3 times then STOP! Make it brief and to the point. We’re not holding hands! A handshake that goes on too long feels akin to a hug that lasts too long…creeeeeeeeeepy!

#4…Shake from your elbow!
Leave them where they are and shake from your elbow. Don’t pull them closer like you’re their bestie for a chest bump or a hug. This isn’t judo! Nobody needs to feel like you’re about to take them down to the mat for the tap out!

#5…NO WIMPY HANDSHAKES!
Give ‘em some pressure. Nobody likes the feel of a slug-like handshake! Your hand shouldn’t just lie there like a hooker resolved to the fate of yet another John. And DON’T turn your damned hand at the last second like you want me to give it a kiss! This isn’t a cotillion! I’m not your knight in shining armor come to take you away! Put a little firmness into it! Return their grip; unless they have a small penis and need to prove their manliness by attempting to break your hand…which we’ll get to next.

#6…No: “I-have-a-small-penis”, vice-like handshakes!
You are NOT a freaking monkey trying to establish dominance. You are being judged by your handshake. Shaking like a bulldog with its favorite squeaky toy in its mouth will have you judged a douchebag! Don’t be an asshole! Asshole!

#7…One hand! Not two
You don’t know me! We are not friends (yet). A two-handed handshake is like a fake promise from a politician. It says we’re “buds”, and we are not!

#8…Again…Don’t be an asshole!
If the person you are shaking hands with has sweaty palms, resist the urge to wipe your hands after shaking. If the person is missing digits due to an accident or birth defect, keep that surprised, “what the hell is in my hand” look off your dumb face! If they have no right hand…shake their left, Dummy! And, again, keep that “holy shit what happened to your right hand” expression off your face.

Remember…shaking hands is a wonderful way to spread germs so think of it as Western Society’s way of keeping our people strong and more resistant to microorganisms by keeping the immune system working full time! But, still… keep your hands away from your face until you can wash your hands, Idiot.

There…you now possess the tools necessary to go out and not make an ass of yourself when meeting new people! Pass along the info… especially to the weapons-grade sphincter machine who does it ALL WRONG!

You’re welcome!

-Manly

Man Stink

By Doctor Manly • November 15, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Thoughts

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Found this picture profoundly amusing, yet accurate!

Old Spice plays an important role in how I remember my dad. He was an Old Spice man through and through.

I’m sure we can all associate Old Spice with someone in our lives. I can only hope my kids associate me with good smells like this, and not only remember me for my uncanny ability to walk from one end of the house to the other , crop-dusting the family with the dulcet tones of my ass as, with each step, I somehow produce musical scales that would impress the most groovy of jazz musicians!

Guys…try to keep it classy. And remember those who will remember us when we are long gone. Old Spice memories = better than rump remembrances!

To spank, or not to spank…that is the question.

By Doctor Manly • November 14, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Advice

Dear Doctor Manly,

As a parent I often hear many arguments about spanking your children. Abuse? Discipline? Thoughts?

Spanky McSpankerson

Spanky,

Great topic! I was thinking of this same subject as I was walking through our local mall watching all the spoiled-rotten diaper-monkeys whining, crying and screeching at their parents in a pathetic attempt to get what they want. If those beat-down, poor excuses for parents had the gumption to give a couple of whacks to their children’s posterior, their lives (and the lives of those around them) would be made a whole lot easier! And let’s please remember…shitty kids become shitty adults!

Here’s how I see it. Spanking should be a consequence that is swift and decisive. Neither too hard or too soft. Spanking should be an attention-getter that helps motivate your shitty kid into non-shitty behavior. Spanking should NOT be done out of anger nor should it last too long or leave any mark whatsoever on your child (other than the deep, inflamed psychological scar you carve into their psyche) …in other words…

don’t beat your child!

One is something you should do to correct a bad behavior, the other is something your lack of spanking makes me want to do to both you and your foul offspring!

“But Doctor Manly, what about “time outs” and taking away privileges? Certainly those are better alternatives to corporal punishment!”

Time outs work if it removes your little shit from activities they want to do or people they want to be around: Little Joanie hits Patty at a birthday party and you put her in time out where she can no longer sit and have fun with her friends…assuming Little Joanie listens and sits as told…ha! Conversely… Little Chachi misbehaves in church and gets put in time out where he is DELIGHTED to be, rather than the boring, stuffy institution he just escaped!

Taking away privileges might work as well, but any smart parent soon realizes that they’ve created a little douchebag who behaves because he wants the “stuff” or his TV time or what have you, NOT because he respects you as an authority figure.

Spanking teaches your little ass bag a few things about life:

#1) That you love the little shit enough to do what needs to be done to make them a good person. You are their parent first…friend last!
#2) It gives them a sense of reverence toward you. NOT fear…reverence! Kids should regard their parents with a healthy mixture of respect and awe and so long as you don’t abuse the tool, they will always be wary of going against your rules.
#3) It teaches them to make good decisions. So long as they know a swat of the pooper is the consequence, they will always keep that bit of knowledge on their back burner hopefully slow-cooking into a nice compliance stew! Also…this knowledge will help them to exercise restraint.
#4) It holds them accountable. “Hey Little Dougie…if you keep doing that naughty shit, I’m gonna swat your little ass!” Chooses naughty = chose a swat. Way to go dummy!
#5) It shows them that you have set a standard with rules in place. Kids need to learn restraint! They will not always get to do whatever they want whenever they want! Live by the rules of the house!
#6) Coddling your snotty kid to me is the same as assuming your brood is weak. Spanking let’s your kid know that they are strong enough to choose what’s right. Accepting mediocrity and dismissing shitty behavior teaches kids to indulge in weak behavior.
#7) Some kids simply need it! Usually the same kids whose parents ALSO need it!

“But Doctor Manly…how can you tell a child not to hit others if you spank them?”

Oh stop it you hippy! Good parents are CONSTANTLY telling kids to do as they say, not as they do. Why? Because that’s how the parent/child dynamic works dummy!

We, as parents, should try to instill a modicum of discipline and obedience in our kids so that they have a deeper understanding of right and wrong. If we don’t, we will end up with monstrous, insufferable brats who terrorize everyone around them and feel entitled to what they please.

Remember…a spanking is NOT a beating. So swat that butt…after fair warning… just enough for their underdeveloped brain to stop the negative behavior out of sheer surprise. Then always talk it out afterwards! You’ll be happy you did and those around you will have greater respect for a strong parent who refuses to bend to the will of a little booger-eater!

Happy spanking!

-Manly

Wow…just…WOW!

By Doctor Manly • November 13, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Advice

Dear Doctor Manly,

Why does it seem that only ugly girls are attracted to me?

C.B.

C.B.,…

Well…what an interesting “problem”!

In one sentence you have answered your own question! In one sentence you have informed me that you are so shallow that you look first (and most likely only) to the physical and are completely incapable of seeing the inner beauty of anyone…INCLUDING a “perfect 10”. In one sentence you have informed the world that you are probably the lucky one! Lucky to have ANYONE of the opposite gender approach you at ALL!

Okay…I will admit that there must be a modicum of physical attraction to help the spark of love (or most likely in your case…lust), but I don’t see how “ugly girls” are a problem unless you are leading them on you big shallow man-slut!

Or perhaps it’s an issue of confidence and low self-esteem/self-worth. Perhaps said “ugly girls” see you and your rotten, gelatinous, oily, pustule-riddled soul and figure that they are unworthy of a better man. That the best they can do in life is a festering ass-boil like you who will quite obviously treat them like shit! This saddens me because your one sentence confirms that you are indeed the “man” they want because they are too afraid to find the man they need and deserve!

So…to answer your question. Why are ugly girls attracted to you?

I have no FREAKING clue!

But a change is in order or life is gonna be hard for you my friend. I said it before…looks are fleeting…asshole is forever!

-Manly

The election is over…time to move on!

By Doctor Manly • November 13, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Thoughts

The election is over. Time to kiss and make up and move towards helping the president-elect develop a better, stronger country for all of us.

Manly cell phone etiquette.

By Doctor Manly • November 13, 2016 • Everything Manly, Manly Advice

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Dear Doctor Manly,

Just had a dude shush me and hold up a finger as I approached to take their order at the restaurant I work at! What are good cell phone manners according to Doctor Manly?

…sounds to me like someone got themselves a smidgen of saliva and/or other bodily discharge in their mashed pa-taters recently!

Wow! Cell phone etiquette! Where do I begin!? On one hand, what a great tool to help keep the world connected. On the other… HANG UP YOUR GODDAMNED PHONE YOU INCONSIDERATE BASTARDS!

The rules that guide my life are pretty damned simple…if it doesn’t affect others in a negative way…GO FOR IT. If it DOES…stop that shit right NOW!

Cell phone etiquette falls cleanly into this little box of social behavior as well. The problem is that most people are so transfixed with their little zombie-maker tech, that they often overlook completely the fact that they are being assholes!

So…here are some guidelines you can forward to all the crap-holes in your life who have no clue about how to politely use their cell phones when others are around. Oh…and if you’re that guy who says…(in a shitty, whiney voice) “But Doctor Manly, I don’t know anyone who personifies such assfoolery!”…understand this…if you don’t know anyone who is rude on their cell phone, then it’s YOU dummy!

Doctor Manly’s Guide To Proper Cell Phone Protocol.

1) Rule number one…don’t be a douche bag! If others are with you… give them your undivided attention! Let’s make sure we’re wearing our big boy or big girl underwear and NOT succumb to our childish “want” to text or answer calls while actually talking to a real live person (gasp)! It doesn’t make you look like a busy/popular/important person; it makes you look like a needy little child who needs affirmation from any source available. Nobody wants to be a captive audience to your “important” conversation; forcing them to sit in silence while they listen to your douchebaggery; or watch in silent horror while you text someone who, they now feel, you think is more important than them. It weakens you and makes you look like an asshole!

2) Stop yelling! If you’re one of those assboils who need everyone to hear how “awesome” you are by talking loudly…you SUCK! Many people tend to talk louder over a cellphone than they do in a face to face conversation. It’s RIGHT BY YOUR MOUTH!! Be mindful of your volume and stop that crap right now!

3) For the LOVE OF GOD, stop ignoring “universal quiet zones”! You know…places that make perfect, logical SENSE that you should NOT….ANSWER….YOUR….PHONE!! For the thicker-skulled of you reading this…this includes but is NOT limited to: church, the theater, the library, your child’s dance or piano recital…..FUNERALS! Remember what I wrote earlier…if it affects others in a negative way…STOP THAT SHIT NOW!!

4) Don’t make wait-staff wait! I was appalled to read a sign that read, “please finish all calls before ordering” at my local fast food dive! Are people really that ill-mannered and brain dead? APPARENTLY! Guys and gals…whether you’re next in line or it’s time to order at your table…give your server your attention! Holy crappola what a no-brainer! Making a server wait for you to finish your personal phone call is a sure-fire way to end up with creepy “extras” in your meal. Making those behind you in line wait for the same reason is a step closer to getting an ass-whoopin’! If a call is important, step away from the line or get up from the table…dummy!

5) Don’t argue on the phone in public. It just makes you look like a Neanderthal!

6) Filter your filthy language asschunk! I don’t need to explain to my kids what that shit means! Let them have a childhood for Christ’s sake and keep it under wraps! Here’s a little hint for those of you a little too stupid to completely understand this concept…if you wouldn’t wear it printed on a shirt to work in front of your boss or clients…don’t say it in public!

7) Respect the personal space of others around you. You are being an annoying little dipshit if you have a phone conversation less than 10 feet from me. You don’t know if I’m a serial killer looking for a reason…so don’t give me one!

8) DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE!! No message is that important…EVER! If you are too dumb to realize this…don’t worry because natural selection should kick in eventually bringing balance back to the universe. The con is that you may take others, who are more deserving of your spot in the line of life, with you!

Bottom line…don’t be an ass! Let that cool little feature that comes with your fun little piece of technology, called voicemail, do its job every now and then! Follow my rules and who knows…others may soon follow your shining example!

Now excuse me…I have to take a call!

-Manly